Dana Scully's Diary WithinWithout
by Kamakaze1978
Summary: Once again in the style of Bridget Jones's Diary, our heroine Agent Dana Scully deals with her new pregnancy and the unpredictable bladder that accompanies it while trying to cover for Mulder, who's run off with Billy Miles.


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Disclaimer: This story is a satire of the Bridget Jones's Diary books, and also it's a parody of the X-Files. As such, the characters do not think (or act) as you would expect them to. This story is not politically correct and can be somewhat stereotypical, I'm aware of that, and it's not meant to be. You might find some things offensive, and for that I apologize in advance. Now, having said that, here is the story.

Within/Without  
by Kam1978

  
**(DAY ONE)**  
  
**(Morning) **  
  
Had a horrible night's sleep. I was worrying about how the hell I expect to take care of this baby. Not like I'm not happy to have it, but this is definitely not the right time. Was hoping to take long vacation to non extraterrestrial related spot.   
  
I'm also a little concerned as to *how* I got pregnant. I haven't been shagged in years - at least none that count. When told Skinner I was pregnant he burst out with: "JESUS! IT'S MULDER'S!" Wonderful. I'll have to put up with this for the next nine months and beyond. Didn't feel it was appropriate to tell Skinner that Mulder had come out of the closet to me only weeks before. Would think I was making it up to explain why Mulder and I had shared room in Oregon. Was not surprised - about Mulder, that is. His secret collection of Barbies had given him away. Had discovered them morning after I fell asleep on Mulder's sofa. Would certainly explain his special relationship with Krycek.   
  
Mmmm... Krycek. I should be ashamed of myself. Krycek possibly killed my sister, or at least knew who did. Also killed Mulder's father, but still . . . yum. Nice buns. Maybe fantasizing about sexy assassin is what got me pregnant. I've heard about these things in those stupid papers Mulder made me read. "Woman pregnant after staring into sun." "Woman pregnant after using public rest room." I can see the headlines now: "Woman pregnant after inappropriate drooling over former office skippy turned killer." I'd be more of an outcast than those women who gave birth to frankenbabies and went on Springer.   
  
Crap, alarm going off. Have to go make excuses for why Mulder isn't here. Skinner thinks Mulder was abducted. Mulder was not abducted, but was most certainly off somewhere being probed. Revealed his plans night of excessive cuddling. Going to run away, can't take anymore. In love with Billy Miles. Will be starting agency to buy, sell and trade vintage barbies. Shoot, was going to tell him that Cleopatra barbie was coming out. Oh well. He'll find out.   
  
Must go to office. Tell everyone Mulder was "abducted." Wonder if I'll get vacation time now. Need a good shag before baby comes and thighs turn to oatmeal.   
  
**(Afternoon) **  
  
Bad day getting worse. Found men rummaging through office, taking everything. Kersh's orders. Kersh has stick up his bottom. Kersh needs a good shag. *Shudders* Started search party for Mulder. Morons. In charge is Agent John Doggett. Also has stick up his bottom. He's rude and suspect also needs a good shag. Too bad office slut Fowley is dead. Going for pedicure then going home. I think I'll go see "Gladiator" first. Mulder says Russell Crowe is sweaty and half naked in that movie. Must think of way to tell Mom about baby. Maybe tell her I got pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat. Grrrr. Need some cheetos.   
  
**(Evening) **  
  
I HATE JOHN DOGGETT. Had my phone bugged, then sent peeping man to spy in my window. Pervy landlord thinks that I'm a lunatic. Told me that Mulder was at my apartment. Was probably stopping by to pick up hair dryer before leaving. Christ, I need a drink and a smoke.   
If I see JD tomorrow, will tell him stick in his bottom needs replacing.   
  
**(Later) **  
  
I wonder if Mulder still has my you-know-what. Not that I really want it back after he's used it, but I think he still has some of my CD's. He never returns anything. Once he took out a whole bunch of movies out on my blockbuster card and didn't return them for a month. It took him forever to pay me back the late fees. He can be such an a*shole sometime. I wonder if he has any of my stuff.   
  
**(Even later) **  
  
I knew he'd borrowed my grey t-shirt! It's two sizes two small for him but he likes it. Says it makes him look like Ricky Martin. He stretched it all out!   
  
And he left his fish here! The poor little things! This is why I never allowed him to dog-sit for Queequeq. Not like I did a better job, got him eaten by a lizard or ... something. I was never really any good in biology. I got my medical license by sleeping my way to the top. Bloody hell, those were the days. Back when I shagged anything that moved. Haven't been rarely shagged at all since I took this job. I should have just GAHHHHHHHH!!!   
  
**(Even more later) **  
  
They towed my car. GREAT. Now I have to sleep here in Mulder's creepy bed. Who knows when he changed them last. Eeeew - what's that on his pillow? Life sucks. Need a good cry.   


****

(DAY TWO)  
  
(late morning)  
  
Horrible horrible day. Woke up to find JOHN DOGGETT standing there watching me sleep. Probably did something pervy while I was sleeping. Maybe he was one of Mulder's "friends." He knew where the fish food was. Definitely think Doggett and Mulder had something going on. Asked me to go to FBI office. Found Mulder's car rental slips, thinks Mulder was up to something. Boy was he ever. Weekly trips to see Billy, who he called his snuggle-muffin. (Wish someone would call ME his snuggle-muffin.)  
  
Then found Mulder's tombstone. Oops, forgot about that. Mulder had called one of those tv psychics and they told him he would die eating a burrito. Psychics are always telling Mulder he's going to die. When Mulder's new neighbour told him he worked at Taco Bell, he freaked. I played dumb, acted like I didn't know anything about it. I figure Mulder could owe me when he's done shagging Billy Miles.   
  
Met with Lone Gunmen. Apparently he never told them about Billy, either. They think he was abducted too. Figures.   
  
Told Skinner that Mulder might have went to Arizona. Not entirely a lie. He and geeky Gibson Praise have been e-mailing about rare Star Trek books and Gibson borrowed one of Mulder's, didn't give it back. Mulder said if the little nerd didn't give it back he's go down there and throw him over a cliff.   
  
Hurrah! Road trip with Skinner? Possible opportunity to shag? Perfect opportunity for sexy black undies.   
  
**(DAY THREE)  
  
(morning) **  
  
Why do I keep having pervy S&M dreams about Mulder? Eww! Woke me up out of a dead sleep. Oh well, much better than listening to Skinner's stories about stamp collecting. What a waste of thong undies. Am now stuck with dental floss bunching up my crack, trapped in the a land rover with the most BORING man on the planet!   
  
Oooh - McDonald's! Am starving. Must talk Stamp man into stopping. Maybe fake interest in his fart jokes and get McChicken out of it.   
  
**(late noon)   
**  
Ugh! Am surrounded by FBI manly men, including John Doggett. John stick-up-his-bottom Doggett. Definitely suspect is one of Mulder's disgruntled boyfriends. Or maybe he's the guy Mulder stole the Star Trek book from - the one that Gibson stole from Mulder. Bizarre web of Star Trek mania.   
  
Need to take a leak. Skinner keeps following me around. Maybe I can lose him and pee in a bush somewhere.   
  
No, will probably be bitten on arse by rattlesnake, die horrible death all because of Mulder.   
  
Am disliking Mulder less and less. Hope that baby isn't Mulder's from sperm-in-a-cup ordeal. Had long talk with self afterwards and decided failure for the best. Mulder is a bit of a twit. Now am probably doomed to have twit S&M baby who collects barbies.   
  
Oooh! He's gone! Time to whiz!   
  
P.S. Wonder how buttmunch figured out where we were. Maybe Mulder called him. Stupid Mulder.   
  
**(later) **  
  
Am going to kill Mulder.   
  
He really DID try and throw GP over a cliff. Is weirder than I thought. JD says Mulder disappeared, but I suspect Mulder threatened to tell manly-men FBI agents about Doggett's shagging. Decided to humour JD, told him Alien Bounty Hunter (aka Al, pervy landlord's creepy brother) turned into Mulder. Could be true. Hehehehe. Loved watching JD's brain throb.   
  
Have to find GP and beat him for being partly responsible for all this. Then will find Mulder and beat him for dumping this on me and then again for leaving his fish to die. Maybe Billy Miles will find Mulder less attractive and fancy a shag with me.   
  
PS. Peed 6 times in last hour.   
  
**(evening) **  
  
Found GP. Started doing freaky stuff again. God, I hate that kid. Hope my baby is nothing like him or his bitchy little friend.   
  
Went looking for Mulder in desert. Thong has now disappeared up crack of arse. Has now become unsolved mystery. Expect Robert Stack with film crew at any moment.   
  
ACK! JD perving at me again. This time using big spotlight. Is very sick man. Needs counselling. Messed with his head again, talking about aliens. Hehehehe.   
  
Need to pee again.   


****

(DAY FOUR)  
  
Need hot bath and valium. Had worst day ever yesterday. Much worse than when when I went on date with CSM and he kept asking me to pull his finger all night.   
  
First, some crazy bitch who looked like me tried to kill manly man. Then I accidentally killed Al. Oh crap - expect rent hike and broken toilet because of this.   
  
Then found out JD told me he's my new partner. BLEARGH!!!!   
  
Need a drink.   
Need a smoke.   
Need cheetos.   
  
Blah! 


End file.
